I have so many thoughts that I want to share today that I'm not sure I will get through them all. Karlee went home this morning. It was so nice having her here. We haven't spent full girlfriend time together in a long time! I miss having someone to share my thoughts with. We had lots of laughter this weekend and also a little bit of crying. I'm thankful for a friend like Karlee. She is family to me.
Karlee has been with me through thick and thin. I'm not sure how deep I want to go with this post but I do need to share one of our most special & heartbreaking experiences.
Almost exactly 3 years ago I found out I was expecting my 6th (much wanted) child. I had prayed and cried over having another child and thought this was going to be the next phase of my life. Moving to Utah with a little baby in tow, who would be with me all day while my kids were at school. I was on cloud 9 and the best part about it was that Karlee was visiting me when I found out I was expecting. What a special moment to share with your best friend! Almost immediately I started having problems with this pregnancy. I thought I had lost the baby several times over the next 8 weeks but every time I went in the doctor still said I was pregnant. I didn't know what to expect or to plan for. To say the least, it was one of the hardest moments in my life. I found out 9 weeks into my pregnancy that I had, indeed, lost the baby. I had to go to the hospital and make sure that my body was going to be okay. While in the hospital it was discovered that I had an ectopic pregnancy. My doctor didn't even know and my husband wasn't able to be there beside me. Good thing I was in the hospital! Long story short, I barely made it through the trauma. I woke up hours later having had a hysterectomy. For those of you who have had this happen you know how traumatic this is. You go in thinking all is fine, and leave the hospital days later not able to have children.
I'm not sure why this one was so hard on me since I have had multiple miscarriages before. It might be the fact that I wanted a baby so bad. Maybe because my kids were growing up and I was feeling lonely. Maybe because the choice was taken away from me. Probably all of the above!
The best part of this story was that we found out Karlee was expecting a week before I lost the baby. It was bittersweet, of course. I was SO happy for my BFF! Our babies were going to be best friends just like we were. We had so many plans.
Karlee was there for me during all of this. I'm sure it was equally hard on her knowing that her pregnancy was breaking my heart. She let me cry as I came to visit her and snuggled her baby. She didn't even have to ask, she just knew.
I know now that the Lord had other plans in store for me. It was a LONG and very hard emotional recovery. In some ways I am not 100% over it. I still have moments where I dream of having another baby or will cry for no reason when I find out someone is expecting. I do know, though, that the Lord knows what is best for me. There was a lesson I learned somewhere in all of that.
I am so happy that Karlee had her precious little baby boy, Gunn, who is 2 years old now. He is such a joy and a light. Yes, it would have been fun to have our 2 little ones at the same time but now I can help when she comes to visit. :)
He Carried Me
I absolutely LOVE this poem. So often in my life I feel alone. Trials are hard, life can be hard. It's reassuring to know that this is the time that He has to carry us. I know that I've been carried many times.
A friend of mine has started a blog about loss and grief. I already read the post she posted this week and started bawling. If any of you have or are currently dealing with loss, I encourage you to read what she has to say.
I actually took notes in church today to share with you but maybe I'll save them for next Sunday. I want to leave you with this......
God loves you & I love you! You are never alone no matter how much you feel like you are. Please remember that.